One of the big problems with verbal and emotional abuse is that it is progressive. It happens mildly, jokingly, and infrequently at first and then it increases. It becomes more frequent and more severe, with moments of explosiveness. The explosive phases are followed by honeymoon phases where the abuser is apologetic and loving. This cycle continues and many victims become so accustomed to the verbal and emotional attacks that it sadly becomes acceptable. Their self-esteem gets lower and lower. This is exactly what happened to me…
Years of emotional, verbal, and other abuses led me to not expect any better for my life. I had always hoped for the best—but settled for much less. Even though many family members and friends saw the abuse, “abuse” was an unspoken word. Also, I did not even identify it as abuse. I accepted it as part of married life. I had vowed “for better or worse…for richer or poorer” and I was determined to do everything possible to make my husband happy, despite his abuses which included several adulterous affairs. I believed that marriage was forever. I did not realize that God does not expect you to live in those situations. God does not want you to be abused, and He allows for divorce in cases of adultery. The following scriptures refer to these situations…
“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife (or her husband), except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman (or man) commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9 NLT)
“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” (Colossians 3:19 NLT)
God did not make my husband abuse me or commit adultery. However, when my marriage fell apart, God orchestrated my steps as I leaned on Him to put the broken pieces of my heart and my entire life back together. He once spoke to me audibly. He answered my questions and made His Presence known in multiple ways. He told me that He had “rescued me from Egypt.” I then realized, that I did not even know that I was in “Egypt” or even needed “rescuing.” I had accepted my abusive situation…but God did not. God rescued me!!! And, what He did for me, He will do for others…
More of Secret Angel’s story to follow!!! Let Secret Angel know what you think of her story.
IF ANYONE NEEDS PRAYER, EMAIL SECRET ANGEL AT firstname.lastname@example.org
128 thoughts on “RESCUED!! When I did not even know that I needed it!”
I am another abuse survivor, and I agree with you that before breaking free, I had come to accept abuse as “natural” and part of life. God showed me differently. He showed me I needed to learn to value myself appropriately and that it was wrong for others to hurt me instead of love me.
Thanks for visiting my blog and reading my testimony about forgiving my abuser. God surely works miracles!
Amen!! God does work miracles!! I truly feel that God is calling out His believers and abuse survivors to reach out to other victims to show them the way out. He is the Light! I will follow you and thanks for the follow also….
Those of us who have survived and recovered from abuse can indeed encourage others to break free and move forward in a life that’s filled with God’s love and purpose. Thanks for being His instrument in bringing hope to those who so need it.
Thank you for the encouragement. I have just started this blog and still trying to figure out what I am supposed to do. Your comments really help me. Thanks and God Bless You!!!
Thanks for following and the encouragement…
You are welcome! I pray God continues to use you to encourage others.
Thanks for liking my posts “How to Live and Love like a Christian”, “Whose Strength and Power Do You Rely On: Yours or God’s?”and “God, Forgiveness and You”.
You are so right. What was revealed to me through my experience is the fact that I was trying to be “God” in the abuser’s life and felt the obligation to help him change. What I learned was that everyone has the same opportunity to reach out and find the same God that I have and it is their responsibility to do so, not mine. The fact that he did feel accountability for the way he treated others made him no less accountable for his actions. I also found, however, that I had to forgive the person which was an unbelievable exprience for me. It was truly miraculous the way that the Lord awakened me to the need to do that and the method he used to accomplish it. When you can truly forgive the other party, you find that all the things that once triggered the immobilizing fear and sadness have no more power over your life. Glad you ladies are willing to share to help others!
correctoin – the fact that he did NOT feel accountability for the way he treated others made him no less accountable for his actions.
That is so right and that is a major problem with abusers…they do not feel accountable and blame everyone else for everything. Unfortunately, victims become so broken that they accept the blame and try to fix everything and everyone. However, God is the only One who can fix all of us victims and the abusers. He can take what is broken and make anew..
Hi, thanks following my blog. We have the same theme! Lol I love the message behind your blog; no one deserves to be abused. Best of luck with your blog!
Great to hear from you. Many people today don’t feel like they fit it but it is from low self-esteem from wounds of their past. Thanks for following and best of luck with your blog also!!
Just a note to say “Awesome”
Thanks for following my blog. Your input is important to me!
Thanks for the comments and encouragement… Please critique me as you see fit..
thanks for sharing this. it was really an interesting and informative article. pretty cool post! bbom bbom bbom bbom bbom
Thanks for following and reading Rescued! There are many more who need rescuing. Bless you!!
Reblogged this on The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel.
Am sorry for what happened to you in the past and glad God restored you a better person.
Hi..Sorry that I somehow missed your message. Just learning this blog world. I really appreciate you reading my blog and following me. Thank you for your comment. I have learned that we go through these things so that we can help others and comfort them. I know that no one deserves to be abused and hope that this blog will reach those that need help. Thank you so much for following and hope you will continue. Blessings to you….
Before I was saved I used to refer to myself as a survivor of abuse. Now I refer to myself as a thriver. Since He took me under his wing, I have been thriving, though I sometimes return to Egypt in my mind – I’m assured He removed the shackles forever. Thanks for sharing a piece of your story.
Thank you for following… I like that name “thriver”!! I actually refer to myself as an “overcomer” now. I try to help other victims to see that they can survive this and move past the craziness and pain like I did.. It is so hard when you are trapped in that world and you really can’t see through the fog. I thank God for saving you and I and others and pray that every victim will be rescued. I have a book coming out in August that talks about abuse, how it happens, and includes my story of how God rescued me. What He has done for me, He can and will do for others. You and I are set free and He is rallying us to help others. Please keep in touch… Thanks again for following!
So thankful for God’s rescue! My prayers are with you as you continue to minister to others through your blog.
Thank you so much for following me. I know that what God did for me, He can and will do for others.. Bless you!
I always enjoy checking out the writings of those who stop by my pages. Your words are my words too. In my case, some of the abuse was spiritual. I found that I did not really know God and my suspicions were that he acted vengefully, much like my earthly father. What you read, is in many cases my explorations of my relationship with the God I found, and he is nothing like the people who abused me. I am now in a Celebrate Recovery group where I know I will find answers and help for these wounds that have plagued me for so many years.
I am glad you found me, for now I have found you.
God Bless sis.
Hi Ozzie! I know what you are saying! I have also seen spiritual abuse and can see so many people on these blogs who have been traumatized by all of the abuses, including spiritual abuse. There are so many of us who have wounds from abuse. I have actually written a book called, The Walking Wounded which is to be released in August. One section is about spiritual abuse. Every section includes a portion of my story. So many peopl don’t realize the damage that is done by abuse and i thank God that He sees and He heals.
I am so glad that I found you and will continue to follow you. Bless you!!
Thanks for stopping by at my blog and for liking my post ”Psalm 119 : 89”. I also thank God for the strength and grace He gave to you to wait patiently for His time because at times we try to do things outside God’s timetable despite the fact that He does not like that situation, but He has an appointed time to set each and everyone free from any negative situation satan might be trying to put us. Please, point of correction, I am not calling him (your ex-husband) satan but the power that acted through him. If you can think retrospectively, the day of the manifestation of His freedom in your life, you cannot believe it – that is His appointed time.
Thanks so much for following and for the inspiring comment. And, yes.. I totally understand what you are saying. There is a time for everything. And I know that “we do not fight against flesh and blood..,”. God showed me that quickly and it help me to forgive him for what he did to me. God also gave me Ephesians 6:11 which my kids and I continue to use as we still fight that spiritual realm that comes against us from their dad. I thank God everyday for what He has done for us. I don’t see many comments in blogs about spiritual warfare but I know that it is a key. I would love for you to read my upcoming book, The Walking Wounded, which will be released in August. God told me to write it and I continue to walk in obedience since the day that He rescued me. I know that what He did for me, He can and will do for many others… THERE’S AN ARMY RISING UP!! Many blessings to you!!
I look forward to reading more of your testimony – you are right God is there to help, but abuse is not caused by Him. Thank you for your courage to speak out about what you survived and became victorious over. I’m glad you escaped the abuse. I apologize in advance for the many posts I’m putting on my site as I move my blog over – it will tone down soon. My testimony also details the abuse I received and how God helped me to heal. Have a blessed night.
Your comments are very welcome…anytime! The name of my book is The Walking Wounded and it will be released in August. I thank God everyday for what He has done for me and my children, I just know that there are so many more victims out there that need out help to know Him and pray for their healing!! Blessing to you!!!
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Hi secretangelps911, Thank you for liking my poem ‘ The Brick Wall’. Best Wishes, The Foureyed Poet.
What you offer here is healing. Praying for you to continue to touch other’s lives.
Thank you for visiting my blog today. I appreciate the time you took to stop by. May your day be filled with joy and peace.
BE ENCOURAGED! BE BLESSED!
Thank you so much for the comment. My book, The Walking Wounded will be released in August. It tells how people get wounded from the words spoken and actions of their family which then affects their decisions in life. It also tells my story with each section. What God did for me, He can and will do for others.. You have made my day with your comment. I pray for God to bless you!!!
What a LIGHT you are now in a dark world…For sometimes we are found in the darkest places of our life so we can rescue others! Praise God he found you…your one fighting to get others to the kingdom.God Bless You.
Thank you so much Julia for your encouraging words. I hope that you enjoy many more of my postings. I try to write as God leads… to be His for He has told me, “My Tongue is the hands of a ready writer.” There are so many hurting people out there at different stages of hurt, different stages of faith and I hope that each one of them will hear a Word from God to lead them to Him. Blessings to you and thanks for following….
This is so important:)
Thanks for following.. Blessings to you!!
Tremendous message… and a terrific cause. My wife was formerly married to an abusive husband (physically, verbally, and through adultery). She overcame it to become a tremendous leader and communicator, and I am thankful for this important message with which you have been entrusted. Thanks, also, for taking a look at my (sometimes demented) blog. It was very kind of you to read it. I will keep you in my prayers as God moves you forward.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. God placed me on this path to reach out to others and I know that He is calling those like your wife who have overcome to speak out to help other victims. Abuse has been hidden for too long. I hope you like my other postings. I try to write as God leads me…
Please check out my website at http://www.secretangelministry.org. Thanks again… Many blessings to you and your wife..and entire family!
Sadly, many victims of abuse are counseled by well meaning clergy and family members who have themselves been victimized to remain in dangerous life situations. This is not biblical advice. God does not condone abuse.
Thanks for following… Blessings to you!!
What a testimony. God is so good. I was abused as a child so I can identify with what you say. Thank you for following my blog. I look forward to reading more of what you have to share.
Thank you for the encouraging words! I just started this blog in May to try to reach out to all victims of abuse from the most broken to those who are even in recovery. God is so awesome and wants to heal all of us.. Blessings to you!!!
You provide needed help for those who feel powerless and weak. You are the Shepard of the lambs.
Thanks again… God has rescued me from my situation and I just try to walk in obedience to what He wants me to do and say to help others. I really appreciate your support.
May the Lord continue to bless you with wisdom from on High and that each person you share with, will be blessed and rescued!
Thank you for following my blog. I am touched by your story and will read more. Best Wishes, Carol
Thanks… blessings to you!
He rescued me too! I thought my abusive marriage was my “cross to bear.” What a lie! He led me out of the captivity of my “Babylon,” and step-by-baby step, set me free!
Thank you for such a fabulous blog full of hope, light, and Truth. May the Lord bless you with a great harvest for your work here!
Your fellow blood-bought daughter of the Lord Most High,
Thanks for stopping by Lessons by Heart!
Amen!! Thanks Tami for your support.So many of us fell into that same trap. I really appreciate your encouragement. Many blessings to you!!.
Nothing but admiration for what you are doing!
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I looked at your blog and love it too. May God bless you exceedingly and abundantly…
And thank you for your blessings and for following my blog. Blessings to you and especially for your book.
Thank you so much for visiting my blog and reaching out to me. I will follow yours– am interested in this book you are writing as a victim yourself. God bless you for reaching out to the abused and neglected!
Thanks so much for your encouraging comments. God has lead me to write this book and I pray that many will be helped. I appreciate you following me and hope you enjoy many more posts…
Thank you so much for helping those whose lives have been darkened by abuse. I had a terribly abusive childhood, didn’t even realize how abusive till I had my own kids. Unfortunately, people who have been abused don’t understand they deserve to be treated with respect or even realize it when they are not. I ended up in an abusive marriage, not physical, but emotional and mental. Thank God I became free of that! You are doing a great job in bringing awareness and encouraging others.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. What you are saying is exactly right about how the cycle continues. The abuse becomes normal and almost expected. We don’t really know what it feels like to be treated with respect. I hope that you continue to follow. Many blessings to you…
Our secret angel has dealt with emotional crisis just as so many have. We read about abused women in third world countries, back street allies, hooker haven, but not on the golf course. Not at the beach playing water volleyball. Not at the church women’s ministry meetings. Why? Because of shamefulness. Embarrassment. A sense of being judged.
And it’s the truth. Although most women don’t realize just how much they are making life harder for all women. Perhaps one day their own daughter will deal with some type of abuse in their lifetime.
It is well beyond time for all women to hold up a candle in celebration of their fellow women. If you don’t understand, then keep reading Secret Angel’s blogs, so you can learn to recognize abuse and help somebody else out of the ugly situation she is in. Thanx for sharing with us Angel……..
Thank you so much for your encouragement and overwhelming support. I really appreciate it and am very humbled by your comments… I am blessed to have been rescued and have to reach out to all other victims. I can only speak personally about the abuses that I have experienced… however, I have felt brokenness. I have felt that feeling of total despair from the abuses of this world and if I can help even one person to avoid that brokenness and reach out for help and the One who rescued me, then this blog will be successful. May God bless you exceedingly and abundantly, healing and restoring you to use you as a testament to His Healing Power, in Jesus name…..
Hugs and kisses coming your way!!
Ditto right back at ya Angel…..I walked more than a mile in those same shoes and, yes, everything I do in my life is now for Him. Amen???
AMEN..AMEN..AMEN… Bless you!
I praise God He set you free to help others. Do you think you would have listened if your friends and family told you it was abuse?
No… I was so trapped in that web of lies and deceit that the only One that I heard it from was God. I would have thought that they were just upset with my husband. Sad, but true.. and I know that I am not the only one who gets trapped like that.
What a post. Wow. I’m so glad you are out of that abusive marriage. I want to thank you for stopping by my blog. Feel free to comment on any posts you feel lead to.
Thanks.. I appreciate you checking mine out and I hope you like many more. I also speak about being broken and God bringing healing and restoration. May both of our paths be blessed….
Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. I am so glad you got out of that abusive marriage. On to read part 2.
Amen.. Thank you so much for your encouragement. Blessings!!
I thank God that you woke up and now you can raise your voice and use your testimony to speak to the dry bones that are languishing under the yoke of abuse. The snare has been broken and your soul is escaped soar high with no regrets.
Thank you so much for your encouraging comments I appreciate you following and pray that God will bless you. thanks again.
I was in an abusive marriage for 14 years. I was very sad and cried by myself a lot because of the unhappy things that went on between us. I couldn’t understand why he was so unpleasant and we had no happy things that we did together. Except, however strangely, we played handbells together at church and for some reason he was pleasant at bells and even at home talking about it. Otherwise, none of the things I enjoyed doing were pleasant around him. He always found fault or would say “Don’t you have something better to do?” We couldn’t even go for a walk pleasantly. He would always walk faster than I could and it would feel like a race, he wouldn’t stay with me, he would always walk on ahead of me. He was rude to me in the home and ignored me when we were out with other people. I used to wonder why he even married me, he didn’t act like he liked me at all. He would “jokingly” hurt me or pick on me and then act mad if I complained. I finally left him and went to a homeless shelter for women and children after he started hurting our children and I couldn’t convince him to stop. The shelter was like a vacation to me. What a relief to be away from him! I didn’t have to worry about when he was comming home or what he would say about what I was doing, etc.
Thank you for blogging this, it is very helpful for people still going through it to get as much input as they can about what is happening to them so that eventually they might get the strength up to leave the situation!
I am so sorry for what you have gone through. Abuse is so destructive and many people do not realize the devastating effects of verbal and emotional abuse on its victims. Yes, there are many abuses, but the verbal and emotional are very destructive and is so easily hidden from others because there are no bruises… but it still hurts like getting stabbed down to your spirit an soul.
Now, you mentioned that your husband was amazingly pleasant when you played bells together or when he even talked about it. Well, the immediate thought that I received was the story of David and King Saul. You see, David was brought into Saul’s kingdom as a harp player because it soothed Saul..”And it came to pass, when the evil spirit from God was upon Saul, that David took an harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed , and was well , and the evil spirit departed from him.”(1 Samuel 16:23) I wrote a posting today about spiritual warfare and this is a prime example of how the enemy flees when in the presence of God. Those bells had an anointing on them that caused the demonic forces that tormented your husband to flee from your presence because the Presence of God showed up with the bells. A prime example of using spiritual warfare to fight your battles. May God bless you…
This is beautiful. God does want us to be happy and to live in joy, and He does save us from the darkness. Even when we’ve given up on ourselves, He never will give up on us.
Amen… Thank you so much for your comments and I deeply appreciate your support as I walk this path that the Lord has placed me on… Many blessings to you.
Reblogged this on STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS and commented:
This appears to be a very informative and helpful blog resource for abuse victims.
Amen….and thank you.
Thank you for following email@example.com but more for allowing your experiences to encourage the hearts of others. As you encourage may you be encouraged as we are reminded hat 1 Corinthians 13 says, Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails. It is this truth that sets us free. So glad he rescues us even when we do not know we need to be rescued.
Amen… Thank you so much for your encouragement. Blessings!!
I truly thank you for this blog! I was abused verbally during my first marriage. I know it seems funny that a man would be the one on the receiving end of abuse but it does happen. Thanks again for the ministry and thanks for visiting my blog too!
Thank you for visiting my blog too. Yes, men can be victims as well. Women are hesitant to speak up and men are even more hesitant to speak up as they deal with the societal opinions. I thank you for speaking up because it is very important that men speak up as well as we try to stop this increase in abuse… Many blessings to you!!
I truly enjoyed this blog.. Was just discussing something very similar to this today. “Deception” The person or persons who are deceived are totally unaware of the fact. Otherwise they would not be deceived..
Most often it takes an act of God to rescue someone who is deceived… and He is always willing an able to do just that… sounds as if he did it for you too.. Great job in getting the message out…
Thank you so much. That is exactly what happened. I was so deceived that only God could speak truth to me…and had to use the miraculous to do that because I was trapped in so much turmoil and would not accept it any other way… I appreciate your encouraging comment…
Sometimes, abuse hurts so much that they even kill… It takes wisdom, faith and prayer to overcome!
Amen… Blessings to you!
Amen!!! & Thank you Lord For Being A Protector!!! I really enjoyed this post. #Blessings
Thank you and many blessing to you!!
Thank you…You are so welcome 🙂
This is very beautiful and very painful. I have never believed in divorce but I do realize that God does allow it in very specific situations. Congratulations on making it out of Egypt! 🙂
Thank you!! God is so good! Many blessings to you!!
Thank you for visiting my blog and I am so glad to find yours. I love your honesty and pray that your words will give others courage. May God continue to bless your writings.
Thank you so much Jo. I appreciate your encouraging words. Many blessings to you too.
I really relate to your story and am glad to have found your blog, thank you for visiting my blog. You are an inspiration to others who do not identify it as abuse, perhaps they too will see the truth. Love and prayers to you.
Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I just thank God for what He has done for me and pray for all victims to see the Light. Thanks again… Blessings to you!
God is powerful. We don’t know how much, but when he gives us a glimpse our heart is overwhelmed. He has rescued you love, and he will always be there. He gives us the strength and some of us don’t take it, I am so happy you did. You compared your situation to Egypt and that is such a God coincidence, because here people are saying that the bible–especially the old testament–isn’t relevant and here God has used you to show that it is, and very much so. I came upon a devotional where it talks about God bringing deliverance to his people by leading them out of Egypt, and it just reminds me that he knows, and he’ll take care of it. I don’t understand fully exactly how, but God is working. Keep on Secret Angel 🙂
Thank you so much for your heartfelt words. God has actually told me that twice and I truly believe that He is orchestrating a mighty move of God to rescue His children “from Egypt”. He is no respecter of persons and I know that if He rescued me, He will rescue many more. Like you said, I don’t know how but He is working… Thanks again and many blessing my new friend!!!
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I feel the passion and love in your writing. Thank you so much for being here. Lately I am struggling with so many demons. Have a beautiful day.
I will be praying for you. Satan loves to bring up our past and use any one that he can to stir up trouble… just remember that there is Power in the Blood of Jesus. I pray that His Blood covers you and your family… Many blessings Becki!
Thank you so much. I was going to email you today but I had to write a quick blog post
Praying… God bless you!
Thanks I am in need today !
I understand that! Blessings!
Thank you so much for reading and liking my blog post. I am so very pleased you found me, so I could find you. I look forward to hearing more from you and reading your posts. Thank you for your work in the world.
Thanks Christine for your encouraging words.. May God bless you!!
God looks for repentance Secret A, your husband did not repent of his Adultery and this meant it continued, if he had repented then with forgiveness and restoration your Marriage would have been saved, now all you can do is forgive him in your heart and move on in Love, which thankfully is what you are doing. Hosea is a beautiful picture of God’s Loving forgiveness and His seeking restoration but He never forces anyone to repent.
I would like to share although condensed about my first marriage with you Secret A and how I resolved the hurt and betrayal I felt, apart from sharing this on a Blog similar to yours, I have not written about it before even on my own Blog.
Three days after I married my first husband and I was over 5 mths pregnant , he bashed me, I’m not sure if that is what caused my baby girl to be stillborn, I never knew, like the other 5 I had to him that didn’t survive but my first baby to someone else, I aborted before I was 15 because of being pressured to do so, I was too frightened to tell my Mum, I may have been damaged physically by the Abortion, others are but they could never confirm this or the reason why I lost them but all 7 babies are in Heaven and have only known Joy, which I give great thanks for.
My husband was very violent and sexually sick, he almost killed me a few times when raping and choking me, this use to turn him on, his language was bad too. One pregnancy, I spent in hospital from 3 mths they were trying to save her, my husband was barred from seeing me because he bashed me in there. He also gave me a venereal disease with one of my pregnancies , after 8 years I developed psychosomatic illnesses because of fear. My husband use to cry after he bashed me and then promise never to do it again but he always did.
I was too scared to tell anyone including my Mum, I made excuses for the bruises but a Doctor saw the belt marks on my back, he said if I didn’t leave my husband he would kill me, my husband got another woman pregnant and said if the baby was born alive he would leave me and marry her, I left him in the end, I couldn’t stay awake when he was around , the Doctor said it was my way of escaping the fear I felt.
Was I the perfect wife, no I was just as mixed up as my first husband was and we both had no faith to hold onto, he had a very bad childhood like I did (see link below ) he was tortured by an Alcoholic father, who was also abused by his father and so on.
Blog Link – http://freedomborn.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/the-early-years-a-little-lost-girl/
When I became a Christian Secret A, after True heart repentance, I asked God to help me heal and then in my heart I knew I needed to forgive my first husband and all the others who had hurt me, I don’t know their backgrounds or why they did what they did but I do my husbands, so I never hated him, I had compassion for him and still do today but I had to forgive him for the abuse and years later on his Facebook, I asked him to forgive me for not always being there for him or meeting his needs and no longer did the scars worry me, I still remember but without pain, fear or guilt.
Thanks for listening – Christian Love – Anne
Wow!! Anne, you have a powerful testimony of God’s grace, mercy, and restoration. Though I had some violence, mine is more about verbal, emotional, psychological abuse. The violence increased as I severed ties and tried to get control of my life. God really did tell me that He rescued me from Egypt and I really did not realize. The bruises to my soul and spirit were only visible to God. Only God knew what I lived with. He pulled me out of that situation and has protected me. He basically told me that I had forgiven my ex enough because in my mind forgiveness and friendship were the same. I had to learn that I could not stay friends with him and had to get away from him. I have told him that I forgive him but he is still blaming me and angry with me. God knows our hearts. You are very correct when you said that he did not have a repentant heart. God told me that he would never change but I still keep praying for him. Our children need for him to change.